400+ Funny Whatsapp Status of 2019

Funny Whatsapp Status – Nowadays everyone loves to crack jokes and moreover girls are also attracted to those boys who have a great sense of humor. So for impressing everyone we need to have some funny status which we can share on our Whatsapp to impress our friends and family. So, If you are looking for some funny Whatsapp Status then we have found a great collection of more than 400 Funny Whatsapp Status to share with all.

Funny Whatsapp Status(A-B)

I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.

Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?

People say everything happens for a reason. So when I punch you in the face, remember I have a reason. 😉

…Bhai, career bana le, girlfriend khud ban jaati h…, is apparently the trick.

There’s always a person that you hate for no reason.

(-_-) x 1.3 Billion people = China

The only thing I gained so far in this year is weight 🙂

…Having a dog is like having a kid…. …Really? How much have you saved for your dog’s college?…

? Behind this smile is everything you’ll never understand.

26 missed calls from Dad: Lol, whatever. 1 missed call from Mum: Fuck

90% of women don’t like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don’t like women.

A black cat passing by the crossroad can stop hundreds of people what a RED LIGHT on traffic signal has failed to do for long time!!

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election

A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be

A great way to mess with someone’s head is to not return any of their texts, but …like… everything they post on facebook!

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A woman is like a tea bag, you cannot tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

Admit it, you listen to other strangers conversations and mentally give your opinion.

Admit it. None of us know how to play Minesweeper. We just click randoms boxes.

Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back.

Americans have different ways of saying things. They say …elevator…, we say …lift…… they say …President…, we say …stupid psychopathic git.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?

Arrogant and right is surely better than humble and wrong.

As a whole, people suck, but a person can be extraordinary.

Asshole meets good girl ? Fucks her over ? She turns into a bitch ? She meets a good guy ? Fucks him over ? He turns into an asshole!

At least gravity is attracted to me.

At least mosquitos are attracted to me.

Awesome ends with ME and Ugly starts with you.

Babies are such a nice way to start people

Boobs are near the center of the universe, until you turn twenty-five or so. Which is also when young mens auto insurance rates go down. This is not a coincidence.

Before talking; Please connect the tongue to the brain!

Bitch also stands for beautiful, intelligent, talented and charming human being.

Boyfriend: Do you think my salary is sufficient for you? Girlfriend: It’s sufficient for me but how will you survive?

booked into a hotel last night. I said to the receptionist, ”I hope the porn channel is disabled?” she said, ”No.. Its regular porn you sicko!”

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.

Can I take your picture?? I love to collect pictures of natural disasters..

Boys, if you don’t look like calvin klein models, don’t expect us to look like victoria secrets angels. (From All Bachelor Girls Association) 🙂

Funny Whatsapp Status(C-F)

C.L.A.S.S- come late and start sleeping 🙂

Can’t talk, telepathy only!

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

Can you pretend I’m not ugly and annoying and fall in love with me.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Checking your phone when someone is talking to you is a modern way of showing disrespect..!!

Checking your symptoms on Google and accepting that fact that you’re going to die.

Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, And that’s what parents were created for

Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.

Children always know when company is in the living room – they can hear their mother laughing at their father’s jokes

Curve: The loveliest distance between two points.

Children really brighten up a household – they never turn the lights off

Congratulations ‘ You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.

Dear Lord, all I ask for a chance to prove that winning the lottery won’t make a bad person.

Dear Facebook, Just wait, one day they will leave you too. Sincerely, ORKUT

Dear Google, thank you for doing most of my homework for me. 🙂

Dear math, Im not therapist so solve your own problems.

Dear Samsung, please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

Dear stupid automatic toilet flush. I wasn’t done yet and I don’t appreciate getting my ass wet.

Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.

Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah

Do you ever just lie on knees and thank god that you know me and my intelligence???

do u ever want to grab someone in your class and pull their face close while staring at them in the eyes then whisper shut the fuck up

Doctors finally figured out whats wrong with a boys brain; on the left side, there’s nothing right; and on the right side, there’s nothing left’

Do You Want To Go Out With Me? (A) Yes (B) A (C) B.

Do you know the difference between a lady and a woman? A lady does what she’s told and a woman does what she dam well pleases!

Don`t you know it`s rude to talk while I`m interrupting?

Doing nothing is very hard thing to do…you never know when to finish.

Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.

Don’t drink and park ‘� accidents cause people.

Don’t keep a girl guessing too long. She’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.

Don’t steal, don’t lie, don’t cheat, don’t sell drugs. The government hates competition..

Dry fruits are just fruits that have become senior citizens.


Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out of it alive.

Etc= End of thinking Capacity.

Ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.

Even if you live your life as a open book, people will still wonder which pages have secret messages.

Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.

Everything is 10x funnier when you are not supposed to laugh.

Every problem comes with a solution. If it doesn’t have any solution, it’s a…………. Girl 🙂

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Facebook is the adult way of having imaginary friends.

Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)

For every girl without a guy, there`s a guy without a girl.

Fact1: You can not touch Your lower lip with your tounge’ Fact2: After reading this, 99/100 idiots would try it.

Fact: No one has ever jumped in the shower!

Forever alone dudes with great sense of humor are ‘hilla-rious’.

Freedom of speech is lost when you get into a relationship and she is beautiful..!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Friday is my second favorite …F… word.

Friend: OMG was that lightning? Me: Nooo… they’re taking pictures for google earth.

Funny Whatsapp Status(G-I)

Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain’t so hot.

Girls are funny creatures.They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday!

Girls work on their looks but not their minds b’coz they know boys are stupid, not blind.

Give me food and a pc with internet connection and you wouldn’t hear about me for ages.

God is really creative , i mean ..just look at me 😛

God made us all different. But when he got to China he thought …Fuck it. Copy, paste, copy, paste…..

God’s last name is not …Dammit….

God made cousins so that parents can compare our marks..

Guy: Hey I want to be part of you girl. Girl: sorry, I already have an asshole!

Guys insult each other and don’t mean it. Girls compliment each other and don’t mean it either.

Good friends will bail you out of jail. Best friends will be sitting in the cell with you, laughing about how awesome that just was.

H.A.T.E.R.S. : Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success?

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Having a best friend with the same mental disorder is a blessing. LOL

Hello, modeling agency? Yes! Umm.. I just got 37 likes on my new profile pic, I think I’m ready to go pro.

Hey fat bitches, there’s this new lipstick that makes you lose weight. It’s called, super glue.

Hey,you are reading my status again??

How are men and parking spots alike?The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostlyhandicapped or extremely small.

Hi, I’m a wink face, and I can make anything you say sound sexual

Hmmmm…..Don’t copy my status

I accused my friend of being gay yesterday… He was so angry he hit me with his purse.

How to sleep faster: Decorate your bedroom to look like a classroom.

Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.

I am a star, so when you see me, make a wish.

I am not feeling lazy actually, I am just incredibly motivated to do nothing..

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.

I am scared one day my fridge will take revenge on me, every half an hour it will come to my bedroom, open the door, stare at me for three minutes, then fucks off…

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

I am sure I have a defective iphone, I keep pressing the home button and I’m still at work.

I can resist everything except temptation.

I believe in hate at first sight.

I don’t always have time to study… but when I do, I don’t.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I come up with the best ideas when sitting on the toilet then forget them after the flush.

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I don’t like people who buy gym memberships just to walk on a treadmill. WALKING IS FREE.

I don’t always lose my phone but when I do its always on silent 🙂

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

I don’t usually sleep enough, but when I do, it’s still not enough 😉

I don’t understand how Super Mario can smash blocks with his head but dies when he touches a turtle.

I feel lazier than the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

I feel my phone vibrate sometime even when it s not in my pocket

I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go in the other room and read a book.

I follow the quote, ‘Always be true to yourself’ because I only lie to others!

I fucking hate when I write a Facebook status and some idiot comments ..I don’t get it.

I hate it when i ask …how are you?… just to be polite and end up getting a fucking life story.

I hate it when I don’t forward a chain text and I die the next day.

I hate math but I love counting money.

I hate when my friends look great in large size clothes… and I always look like a bean bag.

I hate when people all of a sudden decide to be funny when I am drinking something 🙂

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

I have finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says, ‘for extra volume and body.’

I have opinions of my own – strong opinions – but I don’t always agree with them

I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan.Somebody is going to be wrong.

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

I love car rides so much that I actually get disappointed when we reach our destination.

I look at people sometimes and think ‘.. Really?? That’s the sperm that won 🙂

I love buying new things but I hate spending money.

I love my job only when I’m on vacation.

I love my ringtone so much, but when it rings in public, I get so fucking embarrassed..

I love secretly placing a deck of cards on top of someones ceiling fan.

I make fun of life because i am too afraid to take it seriously. m/

I named my wifi …Free Wifi… once , And the password was …BitchPlease !… , It became such a successful internal joke !

I may be old enough to know better, but I am STILL young enough to DO IT..

I never make the same mistake twice. Three, four times maybe. But never twice.

I posted on your wall. No, not Facebook, look at the side of your house.

I really need 5 hours of Facebook to balance out my 5 minutes of studying.

I remember when my old Nokia phone said I had low battery it meant that I had 2 days to find a charger. :’)

I really need a day in between Saturday and Sunday 🙂

I think Netflix would work great as a college dating site. …Here are 9 other singles in your area who also watched Pokemon for 12 hours straight…

I unfriend people on facebook on their birthday . . . . Because . . . . . . That’s when i realize I dont know …who they are

I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.

I want some one to give me a Loan and then leave me Alone. 🙂

I want to have a social life, but I don’t really wanna spend money or put on pants.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I want you to have a candle-lit dinner and say those magical three words to you ”” ‘Pay The bill’

I was so surprised at being born that I didn

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I wish i have a friend like me 😀

I was watching a tutorial on youtube about how to sleep but it was so boring that I fell asleep

I wonder if I’ve met the person I’m going to marry.

I`m jealous of my parents, i`ll never have a kid as cool as theirs’

I wonder what happens when doctor’s wife eats an apple a day. 🙂 😀

I`m not single. I`m in a long standing relationship with fun and freedom.

If I’m wired with you. I like you.

If I get jealous then yes I really like you.

If people winked in real life as much as they wink in text, this world would be a very creepy place.

If swimming is an exerciser explain whales to me.

If someone likes your pic you posted 2-3 years ago, that person is definately a stalker!

If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

If you are player then I’m the GAME.

If you are reading this, congrats you know how to read..

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

If you can’t convince them, Confuse them.

If you didn’t see it with your own eyes or hear it with your own ears, don’t invent it with your small mind & share it with your big mouth.

If you fall. I’ll be there.

If you ever spill water on your phone, put it in a bowl of rice overnight. The rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.

If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared.

I’m all for change as long as it doesn’t directly affect my routine.

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

I’m a nice person i just hate everyone.

I’m just having an allergic reaction to the universe.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I’m Jealous of My Parents… I’ll Never Have a Kid as Cool as Theirs!

I’m not failed…my success is just postponed for some time.

I’m not 40, I’m eighteen with 22 years experience’

I’m not arguing, I’m simply tried to explaining why I’m Right.

I’m not getting older, I’m just becoming a classic..

I’m not judgmental, so when I see a person driving slow in the fast lane, I never assume what gender she is. xP

I’m Pretty sure my prayers go directly to God’s spam folder…!!

I’m so poor I went to KFC today to lick people’s fingers.

I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.

I’m pretty sure there’s no Nobel prize for pornography.

Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.

In a dictionary, first comes divorce, then marriage

I’m the person that the more you complain about me, the harder I’ll try to annoy you.

In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to ‘Until debt do us part’

In Modern Politics, Even The Leader Of The Free World Needs Help From The Sultan Of Facebookistan!!!

In India,the most common solution to any kind of Mobile problem would be.. …Switch off kar k On kar thik ho jaega…

Instead of finding the right man, concentrate on becoming a right woman.

In victory, you deserve Champagne. In defeat you need it.

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.

It is a sad fact that 20% of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the remaining end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

Insult and wife are somewhat similar….They always look good…If it is not yours!!

It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.

It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

It may look like I’m deep in thought, but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food to eat later.

It took Harry Potter 7 long ass books to catch the bad guy. It only takes Scooby-Doo 25 minutes.

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world each day fit exactly the length of newspaper!!

It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

Its not my fault all women like motorcycles, Murph. Theyre basically huge vibrators. With wheels.

It’s been 70+ years, Tom. You’re never going to eat Jerry 🙂

Its not you, its me… Its me that’s sick of your shit.

It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise how often they burst into flames.

I’ve found the recipe for happiness. Can someone just send me some money so that I can buy the ingredients?

I’ve had a horribly busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide. 🙂

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.

Funny Whatsapp Status(J-O)

Just finished deleting some friends on Facebook, if you can read this then you got lucky.

Just imagine how great life would be if pizza made you skinny!

Just saw the most smartest person when i was in front of the mirror 😛

Just smile and smell good.

Kissing is like drinking salted water. You drink, and your thirst increases.

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.

Laugh whenever you can. Keeps you from killing yourself when things are bad. That and vodka.

Laughing at your own texts before you send them because you are so damn funny.

Laughing is the best medicine but if you are laughing for no reason, you need medicine.

life is short…smile while you still have teeth.

Laziness is me middle name.

Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.

Life is too short, smile while you still have teeth.

Life would be much easier if mosquitoes sucked tension instead of blood!!

Love thy neighbor. But don’t get caught.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

Love your girl like you love your Coffee… Enjoy it before its hotness goes.

Man i hate watching something personally and then parents come and busts me out… u know what i mean..

May I go to the toilet = I’m fucking bored.

Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.

Math Rule: If it seems easy, you’re doing it wrong.

ME I won’t get jealous. ME Who’s this fucking asshole?

Me: Eats 4 slices of pizza. Me: I’m so full. Me: Eats another 4 slices of pizza.

Me: Hey close the door. Parent: *leaves door open 2 centimeters* Me: *dying whale noise*

Me: Omg I’m so sleepy. When I get home I will sleep forever. at home: *turns on the computer* me: what’s sleep

Me: This chicken is undercooked. Wife: You don’t appreciate my cooking. Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.

Me: This movie isn’t even scary. Girlfriend: Its based on a true story! Me: OMG that’s some scary shit.

Men are like buses. One comes every 15 minutes.

Money couldn’t buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy.

Money doesn`t bring happiness, but shopping does..

More people have put on sunglasses to get their pictures clicked than actually as a protection against sunlight.

Movies are shit, I started dancing at the vegetable market today and not one joined me.

Mum: Where are you going dressed like that? Daughter: To the bathroom I need a new profile picture.

My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.

My boss just said to me ‘You’ve been late five days this week’ do you know what that means?’ I certainly do ‘ it’s FRIDAY!

My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it. lol

My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

My girlfriend found a spot between her boobs this morning, the doctor eased her worries telling her it was just her belly button.

My ‘last seen at’� was just to check your ‘last seen at’�.

My life, My choices, My mistakes, My lessons, Not your business.

My parents told me: ‘You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!’ so I turned on the subtitles.

My study period = !1 minutes. My break time = 4 hours.

Never argue with an idiot. People watching won’t be able to tell the difference….

My wifi suddenly stop working then I realized that my neighbors have not paid the bill. How irresponsible people are.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

Newton’s law of love: Love can neither be created nor be destroyed. Only it can transfer from one girlfriend to another with some loss of money.

Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.

One day, I’m gonna make the onions cry.

One of life’s greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn’t good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.

One of the best lessons children learn through video games is standing still will get them killed quicker than anything else

Opinions founded on prejudice are always sustained with the greatest violence

Only Marriage is the major cause of divorce.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Funny Whatsapp Status(P-T)

People say laughter is the best medicine. Your face must be curing the world.

People say everything happens for a reason. So when I punch you in the face, remember I have a reason. 😉

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

People should look like their personalities

People who don’t sleep are my favorite kind of people.

People who exercise live longer, but what’s the point when those extra years are spent at Gym.

Perfect boyfriend : Does not drink, does not smoke, does not cheat and also Does not exist 😛

Please donate some money as I want to buy a new smart phone so that I can continue posting on the page on the go.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

Question of the Day: When you wait for a waiter in a restaurant, aren’t you a waiter?

Read books instead of reading my status!

Remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well, look at you, living and shit.

Relationship Status: Looking for a WiFi connection.

Researchers at Harvard say that taking a power nap for an hour in the afternoon can totally refresh you. They say that by the time you wake up you’ll feel so good, you’ll be able to start looking for a new job.

Restaurant Advertisement: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour’s wife; And beer as COLD as your own. 🙂

Restaurant Advertisement Board: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour’s wife, and beer as COLD as your own!…

Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems, unless you are fat..

Running isn’t a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can’t be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run, you don’t see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated do you?

Save a bunch of money on child support by switching to condoms

Secrets Of Pizza, Pasta,Burger, French Fries: …Few moments on your Lips, Forever on your Hips….:p

Scratch here …………………………………… to reveal this status.

Sex is the best high. It’s better than any drug. I want to die making love because it feels so good.

Some guy hit my car fender the other day, and I said unto him, \…Be fruitful and multiply.\… But not in those words.

Silence is the best answer of all questions and Smile is the best reaction in all situations. Unfortunately both never help in VIVA & INTERVIEW.

Some men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman’s toes to her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between, given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace.

Some people call me Mike, You can call me tonight.

Some people come into your life to make you fall in love with songs you had no idea existed.

Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.

Some people should have multiple Facebook accounts to go along with their multiple personalities.

Some people should just give up at engineering( or medical) ………i have.

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

Someone on his status …Sleeping… …since 4 Days! He’s Probably dead.

Sometimes all you need is love. Lol, just kidding, you need money. :’)

Sometimes at home I talk in my sleep, but at school I sleep while others are talking.

Sometimes I wish my dog could talk, but then I remember all the crazy shit he’s witnessed me doing.

Sometimes the only one who can appreciate you, is you.

Sometimes you just need some space. To fart.

Standing in the shower thinking…I really need a chair in here.

Sorry about those texts I sent you last night, my phone was drunk.

Tequila won’t fix your problems, but it’s definitely worth a shot.

Stop waiting for one Day. Today is the Day- Bang-Bang

Suicide is man’s way of telling God, …You can’t fire me – I quit.

That awkward moment when the dictionary’s definition is even more confusing than the word.

That awkward moment when all the seats are taken and everybody is staring at you.

That awkward moment when somebody is doing dishes and you slowly put another dish in the sink.

That awkward moment when you can’t decide if you are happy or sad

That awkward moment when you are wearing fastrack accesories & you are finding it difficult to move on

That awkward moment, when people ask: Are you a couple? And you look at each other and wait who’s going to answer first.

That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.

That moment when a question on a test is so hard that even your inner voice is like …Fuck this shit lets work at McDonald’s…

That moment when even Caps Lock can’t express your anger.

That moment when the Teacher says, …Those who aren’t interested can leave the class… But Still you can’t leave the classroom..

That moment when you close your eyes to apply shampoo and you get paranoid that someone will kill you in the shower.

The 3 fastest means of communication: telephone, television and tell a woman.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser – in case you thought optimism was dead.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

The awkward moment when you enter someone’s house and think.. WTF is that smell?

The awkward moment when you know you shouldn`t laugh, but you do..

The difference between a job and a career is the difference between forty and sixty hours a week.

The difference between being anonymous and being fake is similar to between hiding the truth and telling a lie.

The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza. x)

The Earth without Art is just Eh.

The funniest things are the forbidden.

The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.

The hardest people to convince they are at retirement age are children at bedtime

The Internet will be the evolutionary mechanism that allows us to play an eternal game of intelligence Leap-Frog. I look forward to leap frogging with you.

The money is a nice bonus, but the real joy in robbing banks is watching the tellers move quickly for once.

The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case.

The most powerful words other than I LOVE YOU is ‘Salary is Credited’ 🙂

The older I get the more I notice people I enjoy being around and people I’m sexually attracted to are never the same person.

The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they’re not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, ‘If you’d done that in the movie, you’d have won an Oscar, girl!

The movie ABCD should have been named YBCD coz i clearly heard PrabhuDeva saying …Yeni Body Can Dance….

The only reason god made cousins so that parents can compare our marks.

The only thing I gained so far in 2013 is weight 🙂

The only piece of ass you’re ever gonna get is when your hands slip through the toilet paper.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The two women exchanged the kind of glance women use when no knife is handy.

The problem is not the problem; the problem is your attitude about the problem.

The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.

The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

There are only two kinds of people in this world: Doctors and Patients 🙂

There is, I think, humor here which does not translate well from English into sanity.

There’s like 7 billion people in this world and no one wants to date me. I hate this world … huh

They say …don’t drink and drive…. Well…. yesterday I was drinking a juice box while riding my tricycle. Yeah. I’m a badass.

They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who’s in a hurry?

Threatening your parents with a shit nursing home to remind them who’s boss.

Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

TODAY has been cencelled. Go back to BED 🙂

Today morning when I was driving my Ferrari, the alarm woke me up. 😀

Tonight you will be visited by three spirits, the ghosts of indictment past, present and future. They will teach you the true meaning of ‘you are still a scumbag criminal.

Today’s Joke! A Girl said ”.. TRUST ME 🙂

Took cover. In the action business, when you don’t want to say you ran like a mouse, you call it ‘taking cover.’ It’s more heroic.

Try to say the letter …M… without your lips touching.

Turning into a ninja when you hear your parents pull up in the driveway and you haven’t done your chores.

Funny Whatsapp Status(W-Z)

We all are born to die don’t feel more special than me.

WARNING!! I know karate …..and some other words!

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

We all have that stupid friend on facebook who ruins your status with their shit comment.

We all have a friend who never has a fucking clue of what’s going on.

We all have someone’s phone number in our phone and they have no idea we have it!

We love Facebook but we hate the face of book.

We are WTF generation …. WhatsApp, Twitter and Facebook 😀

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

What I do when I like someone: 1% – talk to them. 99% – stare.

We’re all human.We’re all of us equally naked before the jaws of pain.

We’ve all done bad things, but that doesn’t make us bad people.

What insensitive jerk called it a …lisp… and not a …lithp…?

When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?

When a girl says she’ll be ready in 1 more minutes, it’s the same as when a guy says the game has 1 minutes left. 😀

When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work ask him, ‘Whose?’

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

When I Show you a picture on my phone..don’t swipe left.don’t swipe right.Just look.

When good Americans die they go to Paris.

When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I’m alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I’m fantastic.

When I was born I was so surprised, I didnt talk for a year and a half..

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

When I was a kid, I used to wake up early just to watch cartoons.

When I’m a Pedestrian I Hate cars.. When I’m Driving I Hate Pedestrians’

When it’s you against me, you either win or you die!

When life gets tough, remember: You were the strongest sperm. m/

When nothing seems right….go left!!

When ur GF blocks u on fb… . Its called an electronic divorce.

When we are bored we get on Facebook, then we get bored on Facebook so we get off then 15 min later back on. its an endless cycle..

When you drop your phone, your heart hits the ground before your phone does.

When you first joined Facebook you never thought this shit would be this addictive.

When your parents have more friends on Facebook than you

When you’re good, you’re good, when you’re awesome you’re me..

Where there is a will, there are 100 relatives.

Who care’s ?????………..I’m awsome!

Who else buys birthday cards right before the party and signs them in the car?

Why do single women take advice from other single women? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions.

why do dads sneeze so loud ..

Why do parents get so upset about little things like goddamn I left a plate in the sink not a dead body.

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Women only need 3.5 inches to achieve maximum pleasure, . . . . . . . . it’s called a credit card.

Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?

Years of education, solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.

You can disturb me….I’m available. 😀

You dont realise how many clothes you have, until you wash them.

You can not get lost on a straight road.

You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.

You have eyes my dear but you cannot see.

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.

You never realize how weird your friends are until you start to describe them to someone else.

You start out happy that you have no hips or boobs. All of a sudden you get them, and it feels sloppy. Then just when you start liking them, they start drooping.

You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.

You’ll never know a person’s true strength until you try to steal their covers in the middle of the night.

Your eye is the only part you can not wash with soap.

You’re not fat, you’re just.. easier to see. m/

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